We don't celebrate Halloween in Sri Lanka (well, not as actively as in USA or other places), so this is an sent out as an extra mailing besides the regular humour. The following Halloween collage was compiled by Steve Willoughby of the Oracle Service Humour Archives. Enough chatter. On with the humour: The Oracle Service Humor Archives proudly presents... HALLOWEEN! -- An Introduction and an Index ======================================================== 'Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed, With thoughts of amusement going through my head. Turned off my computer and thought as I may Of vampires of old and vampires of today. Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties, Of course trick or treating (hope they don't hand out Smarties). And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear, So that old haunted house, I will never go near. When you see spooky places, just take my advice, And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice. So don't risk your life going looking for spooks, Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks. Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink. Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity. Now put on that costume and dress yourself up. You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup. But be very careful or else you might see That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC. So now you can think, as you turn out that light That there's no such thing and that you are all right. Look under your bed, though, and then you might see... Nothing! We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we? ------------------------- TURNED OFF MY COMPUTER AND THOUGHT AS I MAY Donna @ gensys.com Question: Why do computer programmers confuse Hallowe'en and Christmas? Answer: Because oct31=dec25. ---------------------------------- OF VAMPIRES OF OLD Sunshine @ calvin.edu Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have? A: A Bloodhound! Q: Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested? A: In a red bloodcell! Q: What is Dracula's favorite holiday? A: Fangsgiving! Q: What do you give a vampire with a cold? A: Coffin Drops! Q: Why did the vampire quit the baseball team? A: They would only let him be BAT boy! Q: Why didn't Dracula get married? A: He never met a nice Ghoul! ---------------------------------- (HOPE THEY DON'T HAND OUT SMARTIES). Barb Mattson @ nmt.edu 20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters: 1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.) 2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused. 3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. 4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party. 5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound. 6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. 7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. 8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!" 9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away. 10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy. 11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. 12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. 13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can. 14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar. 15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter. 16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay. 17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy. 18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin. 19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin. 20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished. ---------------------------------- AND GHOSTS Susan McClelland @ nrv.net (From a Newsletter called COFFEE BREAK) Why do ghosts write in Latin? It's a dead language. WITCH PARKING ONLY VIOLATORS WILL BE TOAD Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up, although my friends say I deserved it. I went to a party dressed as a pinata! ---------------------------------- AND GRAVEDIGGERS, I FEAR, Susan McClelland @ nrv.net (From a Newsletter called COFFEE BREAK) Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" ---------------------------------- SO THAT OLD HAUNTED HOUSE, I WILL NEVER GO NEAR. Mary Lokuta @ wisc.edu from a Hallmark card Top 10 Houses to Avoid when Trick-or-Treating 10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground 9. Any house made of food 8. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas 7. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement 6. Any house where high-tension power lines seem to stop 5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out" 4. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking around the living room 3. Any house that looks more like a giant, pulsating orb floating 3 feet above the ground than a house 2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running poses And the Number One House to Avoid... 1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago ---------------------------------- WHEN YOU SEE SPOOKY PLACES, JUST TAKE MY ADVICE, Melissa Wauters @ directhire.com * When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead. * If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately. * Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. * Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. * When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone. * As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. * Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead. * If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.* * If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. * Do not take *anything* from the dead. * If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. * Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. * If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. * If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. * Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. * If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. * Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions. ---------------------------------- AND DON'T GO IN ROOMS FILLED WITH GHOSTS, BATS, AND MICE. Georgina Kisling @ ucb.edu.bz Bat story --------- A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" ---------------------------------- SO DON'T RISK YOUR LIFE GOING LOOKING FOR SPOOKS, Hugo Nunes @ alfa.ist.utl.pt (from rec.humor) What do little ghosts drink? Evaporated milk. Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in. When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams. What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror. Why do witches think they're funny? Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up. How do mummies hide? They wear masking tape. What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand witch. Who has a broom and flies? A jelly-covered janitor. What time would it be if five demons were chasing you? Five after one. Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with. What did the bat say to the witch's hat? You go on a head. I'll hang around for a while. What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf? You'd get a harewolf. What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier? You hear the broom boom. What goes "Oob, oob!" A witch in reverse. How do you make a milkshake? You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom? She flies off the handle. Why do demons hang out with ghouls? Because demons are a ghouls best friend. Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball? It was his bat. Mother vampire to son: Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots. Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf. Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face. What should you say when you meet a ghost? "How do you boo, sir. How do you boo." What's a ghost's favorite breakfast? Ghost toasties with booberries. What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back? "You're under a vest!" What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home? He had to give it back. Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup? He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn. What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer. What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time? I'd like to get to gnaw you. Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares." Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can fight knights. Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank. How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch. When is it bad luck to see a black cat? When you're a mouse. Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo." What's the best place for a mirror? In a graveyard. It can double your mummy. ---------------------------------- CARVE A PUMPKIN AND THINK Vieira, A.J. @ hcc.com (From Hallmark card) What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi ---------------------------------- WHAT TO HAVE YOUR KIDS DO, Bruce Guthrie @ nmaa.org When selecting treats to pass out at the homestead, avoid non-nutritious candies and gums. Instead offer celery and blue cheese sauce platters. While the neighborhood rugrats may loathe you, you'll undoubtedly be a hit with the local dental hygienist (Note: House windows should be securely boarded before attempting). Take care to choose a Halloween personae that lends itself to self-defense. A wicked witch with the trademark broom has a vast combative edge over an wand-wielding fairy. When trying to choose an appropriate costume, be sure to select the darkest colors available. Go for black ninja suits or other non-reflective garb. Costume accessories can really make the difference. Avoid using plastic props. Opt for real cutlery to stand out in the crowd. If living in the deep rural South, avoid dressing up in a white sheet, for any reason. Such action can be misconstrued and ultimately lead to grotesque bodily harm. With so much geared toward the youngest family members, awkward teens can often feel left out. Insist that they dress up in a costume that will complement the young sibling's attire (Raggedy Ann and Andy, Prince and Princess, etc.). When out collecting candy, visit houses in out-of-the-way dimly lit areas. Especially look for houses without *any lights on. These are the enthusiasts trying to make Halloween especially authentic and eerie for little ghoulies. If no unlit houses can be found in your area, you will be forced to approach the well-lighted houses. But don't knock on the door! Instead, sneak around an knock on windows or rustle around in crawl-spaces. The resident family will appreciate your sense of originality and will likely reward you handsomely. After you've been trick-or-treating, simply disregard all wrapped or "store-bought" candy. People handing this stuff out just don't give a damn and simply took the easy out. Go for the home-baked goodies. ---------------------------------- AND GO PICK UP A DRINK. Ohaire @ photronics.com Halloween Vamps Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light". ---------------------------------- SO NOW YOU CAN THINK, AS YOU TURN OUT THAT LIGHT THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AND THAT YOU ARE ALL RIGHT. LOOK UNDER YOUR BED, THOUGH, AND THEN YOU MIGHT SEE... NOTHING! WE AREN'T AFRAID OF GHOSTS NOW, ARE WE? Happy Halloween from the Oracle Service Humor Archives! You were waiting for the "Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Halloween But Really Aren't" joke? Trick or Treat! (And I know I'm not getting any treats). Thanks to everyone who contributed jokes to this list. If I received more than one copy of a joke, I credited the first copy I received that was free of forwarding marks (> signs). And thanks to NetSurfer Digest for the inspiration for the poem; they did something similar (although not as good :) ) for a recent newsletter. May your days be happy and your nights be restful. Don't let the bedbugs bite! Happy hauntings, -Steve _ __||_ / o o \ | ^ | \\|// THIS MESSAGE IS HAUNTED BY ||-v-v-|| (o o) THE ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST ~~\ \^_^/ /~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------- Steve Willoughby's E-mail: HOW TO SUBSCRIBE (It's FREE): ---------------------------- -------------------------------- firstname.lastname@example.org To subscribe to the Oracle's mail list send a message with only the word SUBSCRIBE in the body (not the subject) of the message to: email@example.com WWW Site: ------------- http://www.synapse.net/~oracle/Contents/HumorArch.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright Information: ------------------------- The poetry contained in the above message is original by Steven A. Willoughby. Permission is granted to forward it as you see fit, as long as you mention that I put the poem together. As for the rest of the jokes, the two from the Top5 list contain their relevant information, and the others were submitted by the people who were mentioned in the jokes. The list is compiled from submissions to the humor list. I would appreciate it, although it's not required, that you forward the entire message intact.
This message was sent on 31 Oct 1996