Nice Weather We're Having

 +50 / +10  (Fahrenheit / Celsius)
   * New York tenants try to turn on the heat
   * People from Ontario plant gardens

 +40 / +4
   * Californians shiver uncontrollably
   * Albertans sunbathe

 +35 / +2
   * Italian cars don't start

 +32 / 0
   * Distilled water freezes

 +30 / -1
   * You can see your breath
   * You plan a vacation in Florida
   * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
   * Manitobans eat ice cream

 +25 / -4
   * Lake Ontario water freezes
   * Californians weep pitiably
   * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed

 +20 / -7
   * New York water freezes
   * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of L.A.
   * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

 +15 / -10
   * You plan a vacation in Acapulco
   * Cat insists on sleeping IN your bed with you
   * B.C. residents go swimming

 +10 / -12
   * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
   * Too cold to snow
   * You need jumper cables to get the car going

 0 / -18
   * New York landlords turn on the heat
   * Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!

 -5 / -21
   * You can HEAR your breath
   * You plan a vacation in Hawaii

 -10 / -23
   * American cars don't start
   * Too cold to skate

 -15 / -26
   * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
   * People from Miami cease to exist
   * Canadians lick flagpoles

 -20 / -29
   * Politicians actually do something about the homeless
   * People in NWT and Yukon think about taking down screens

 -25 / -32
   * Too cold to kiss
   * You need jumper cables to get the driver going
   * Japanese cars don't start
   * Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training

 -30 / -34
   * You plan a two-week hot bath
   * Pilsener freezes
   * Bock beer production begins
   * NWT residents shovel snow off roof

 -38 / -39
   * Mercury freezes
   * Too cold to think
   * Canadians do up their top button

 -40 / -40
   * Californians disappear
   * Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you
   * Quebecers put on sweaters

 -50 / -46
   * Congressional hot air freezes
   * Alaskans close the bathroom window
   * Green Bay Packers practice indoors

 -60 / -51
   * Walruses abandon Aleutians
   * Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
   * Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens
   * Boy Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby

 -70 / -57
   * Glaciers in Central Park
   * Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
   * Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

 -80 / -62
   * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
   * Girl Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby

 -90 / -68
   * Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
   * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
   * Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of
     the border

 -100 / -73
   * Santa Claus abandons North Pole
   * Canadians pull down earflaps

 -173 / -114
   * Ethyl alcohol freezes

 -297 / -183
   * Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
   * Microbial life survives only on dairy products

 -445 / -265
   * Superconductivity

 -452 / -269
   * Helium becomes a liquid

 -454 / -270
   * Hell freezes over

 -456 /-271
   * Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on 400 highways

 -458 / -272
   * Jean Cretien renounces a campaign contribution

 -460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
   * All atomic motion ceases
   * Canadians start saying how it's a tad nippy outside

Sent by Keith Bostic to the "Fun People" mailing list (psl@acm.org)

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This message was sent on 17 Jan 1997