Resume Blunders

{These are real examples from real resumes)

--Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
  Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
  cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
  employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
  decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
  incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
  configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
  rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of
  responsibility.
* What do you want to bet the above was for a job at a law firm?

--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

--Please call me after 17:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
  does not know I am looking for another job.
* Has a split personality, perhaps?

--My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I have no training in
  meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
* DUH! You mean there's another reason to procrastinate?

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

--Donating blood.  14 gallons so far.
*It's something to be proud of!

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

--Education:  College, August 1880-May 1984.
*Okay, so he put his life on hold to have kids, raise a family...

--I'm a rabid typist.
*Yes, but have you had your shots?

--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
  operation.

Thanks to JLK1665 (!) for this contribution.


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This message was sent on 25 Oct 1996